Every work day, I need to go through six sets of revolving doors – three on the way in, the same three on the way out. Yes, this is ludicrous, but unfortunately necessary. It’s also educational – it is simply incredible the number of people who do not know how to use a revolving door.

So, for the benefit of anyone who doesn’t know how to use a revolving door as well as those who want to stop being irritated by these people, I present a list of very simple rules that you, yes you, can incorporate into your daily life to successfully maneuver the world of revolving doors.

1) If you are with a child under the age of 5, it is appropriate for that child to accompany you through the revolving door – being carried by you, that is. Anklebiters toddling through these doors and holding everyone else up needs to end. Now.

2) If you are with a child between the ages of 5 and 10, it is perfectly understandable that you don’t want them to go through alone. I am not a fan of smashed fingers either. However, since the kid is probably too big to be carried, in this case I have to insist you use the side door instead of herding them into the revolving door with you. A slight drain on energy and the store’s air conditioning? Maybe. But you’re coming out ahead in the long run, trust me.

3) If you are with someone, or ARE someone, over the age of 10, under no circumstances should you ever, ever, EVER share a revolving door compartment with another person over the age of 5 (see #2 for what to do if the person you are with is between 5 and 10). This is dangerous, looks stupid, and slows down people who are simply trying to get through a door. Just not worth it in any possible scenario. Well, maybe if you are running from a crazed gunman who is shooting up the area you are trying to vacate. But in that case, why use the slow revolving door instead of the easy, familiar side door? Ah, logic. Never fails.

All you have to do is follow these simple rules, and you too can be a revolving door expert. You’ll also save yourself from the danger of violating one of these rules and my responding by brutally holding my section of the door so you walk into the glass.